NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

8 discreet tips for surviving the escape planning period

When I decided to take my mind back from an abusive “narc” I hadn’t yet realized that it would be a deeply covert mission on my part as well as his. In my case like many others, this moment came along more than a decade after the disorder had completely taken over our household. 

If physical abuse is part of your relationship with this person the awakening period can be an especially dangerous time if you’re not careful. Anything could trigger an episode.

Thinking. A narc could notice that you are occupying your brain, body, and soul and that could be viewed as an offensive gesture towards them. Using your phone, laughing, playing with your children, taking a shower, and using the bathroom alone, are all somehow morphed from normal daily rituals to opportunities for your narc to inflict anguish, exhaustion, and exacerbation. God forbid you should desire sleep or need to run an errand. Your narc will find new and diabolical ways to make you regret your attempts at normalcy. 

I’ve kept these instances in mind while I compiled this list of discreet changes in your day that could help to make your escape less explosive than your narc would have wanted.

1. ACTIVELY TASTE YOUR

Living with an abusive narcissist – especially when it’s a romantic relationship, demands that you remain on high alert at all times. Their whims and trigger tactics must be tended to immediately from their perspective. Otherwise, they may choose to rage out. This leaves their long-term supply (aka loved ones – wink wink) with a tightness throughout their body. Some don’t have the time to stop and notice it until they feel the relief of escape. Some don’t realize that it’s been years since they’ve enjoyed anything at all, including their food. 

Fully experiencing your meals has a relaxing effect and is also a step towards taking back your mind, body, and soul. Actively tasting your food and beverages is an act of allowing joy in. Feed your soul. Form your opinion on the texture and flavors that you’re experiencing. Nourish your body while you fuel it.

2. REFOCUS YOUR THOUGHTS AS A GAME

The most effective way to ween yourself off of a narc while you are still forced to have contact with them is to refocus each time they cross your mind. Practice makes perfect, right!? 

While you are still cohabitating with them, you can do this for fun. For example, if you are dreading a family gathering with your narc, you might be at work thinking about all of the embarrassing moments that are bound to occur during the event. Each thought of them being rude to a family member can be refocused on imagining a shared moment of laughter between yourself and another loved one in attendance. Practice refocusing good thoughts into even better thoughts as well. It tends to lift the spirit.

Doing this repetitively will not only keep the dread at a minimum. It will also help to prepare you for healing after your great escape by upgrading your perspective from a negative outlook to a positive one.

3. MINI-MEDITATION

For those who are not familiar with the practice of meditation, it’s understandable for you to picture majestic surroundings while you’re sitting on the ground cross-legged in complete peace. This image is the exact opposite of daily life with an abusive narcissist, so I can also understand some skepticism. Hear me out.

What I am referring to when using the term “mini-meditation” is simply tuning in to your breathing, as erratic or fast-paced as it may be. This practice will help you to connect with yourself. As little as 30 seconds of connecting with yourself can be helpful and it can go undetected. You do not have to breathe loudly or deeply. There is no need to change or force your breathing at all. 

4. AT HOME SKINCARE

This one is not as discreet as the first 3 tips are. However, I am not referring to your face as a start. I am also not expecting someone in your situation to run out and purchase products for yourself. That could be viewed as selfish and could trigger a rage episode.

My advice is to exfoliate your hands using a sugar scrub with ingredients that you may already have at home. If you do not have them on hand, you can purchase the ingredients while grocery shopping. 

1 ½ cups of sugar (granulated or brown)

½ cup of coconut oil

10 – 12 drops of scented essential oil (found in most grocery stores)

If you are anything like I was during this time in my life, you don’t have a clue which scented oil would be most calming for you. I suggest Lilac. I’ve asked around it has had the same soothing effect on each person that I’ve asked. After you’ve made your exfoliant, soak your hands in warm water for about 5 minutes. Get a dollop of your exfoliant and massage your wet hands together paying special attention to the driest parts of your skin for as long as you’d like. Rinse your hands with warm water and dry them.

Sugar scrubs can also be used in the shower on the rest of your body and it’s another method of self-connection.

At the very least, you’ll be left with soft hands and a grounded spirit.

5. USE FLATTERY TO DISTRACT

A covert narcissist will become suspicious of an extra smile on your face throughout the day. If you are planning to plan your escape (no that was not a typo), you will need to throw them off track after trying my suggestions. Lifting your spirit will trigger their demons.

To avoid confrontation so that you can continue making progress with your head held high, you may need to take off that halo for a moment. Remember. This does not make you a liar or a manipulator. This is about survival. 

A few statements that I’ve used to defuse a brewing rage episode are: 

“I’m washing my face every night now because I don’t want you to have to wake up to yesterday’s face.” 

“I’m walking every day now because I know that I’ve gained weight and my handsome husband deserves a trophy wife. “

“I’m praying more often these days because I’m thanking God for your love.”

“I didn’t call and text you like a crazy person last night while you were out because I realize that you work hard and you deserve time to yourself. “

Side note: I had to fight through panic and nausea to put on such a performance. Now that I’ve healed from a lot of the mental and emotional abuse, the memory of saying these statements to such a vile human being with a straight face makes me belly laugh. You will be belly laughing with me one day!

You know your narc better than I do, so you’ll be responsible for gauging how thick you should lay it on. The 3 most important parts to keep in mind are (1). It has to be a comment that strokes their ego and is tailored to them. (2) It has to sound sweet, but natural through anger/sadness/frustration. (3) Try to say it directly to their face. 

Sometimes you are in the act of self-love when their suspicion arises. This translates to betrayal to your narc. In that case, stop what you are doing, look them in the eye and begin the flattery. 

6. BEGIN A FRIENDSHIP WITH YOURSELF

How? By using their time against them. Abusive narcissists are known for cheating and going MIA sporadically. As their energy supply, we would normally use this time away dwelling on what we did wrong, obsessing over the cruel things that were said and/or done to us, and/or calling and texting them in a fit of hurt and anger. 

After you’ve left this environment, you will look back at the time that was spent begging this person for basic human decency. If you can relate to this scenario, you’ll wish you had used that time to begin creating the new you.

Making friends with yourself works the same way as making friends with others. Ask yourself a few questions:

When was the last time I had fun? What was I doing the last time I was proud of myself? Where would I go if I could go anywhere I wanted? What have I always wanted to learn? What have I always wanted to try? What did I want to be when I grew up?

I’ve always wanted to be a writer and learn to play the guitar. While the ex narc was out cheating, I learned to play The Happy Birthday Song on the guitar. I began my writing career once I was free, but the seed was planted during the planning period. 

Starting a new friendship with yourself will motivate you to take your life back. It also reminded me that I was a pretty cool chick.

Starting a new friendship with yourself will motivate you to take your life back. It also reminded me that I was a pretty cool chick.

7. BEGIN TO REVERSE THE ISOLATION

All abusive personality types use isolation as a way to be free with their rage. They force you to choose them above friends, family, career, and most importantly, yourself. If you don’t choose them, they will be so unbearably rude and obnoxious towards your people that they all steer clear of you and your “situation”. 

Reaching out to those you’ve been estranged from can be an awkward and intense step to take, so take small ones. A small but significant step towards reversing the isolation is to spiritually lean in on the people that you have in your life, especially your children. When your child is happily playing with a toy on the floor, instead of glancing in relief that they are contently playing on their own, sit on the floor with your child. Allow your curiosity & imagination to peak and play with them, but GET YOUR OWN TOY TO PLAY WITH. We want to join playtime, not bombard it. 😉

If you don’t have children, interact with your co-workers in a lighter manner than usual. Strike up conversations with cashiers or anyone else that is not stuck in your narc’s world. Converse without fear of saying the wrong thing or setting someone off. Speak with love. Be yourself wherever and whenever you are safe to do so. 

8. TAKE WALKS

This is the least covert of the list, but it is very possible. Again, abusive narcs like to cheat, lie, and go MIA. 

I don’t recommend going to this extreme, but in my case, the first therapeutic walk that I ever took was at 3 am in a low-income part of my town. My narc had left for the first time without saying a word to me. I hadn’t found out about the cheating at this point. It was the first anniversary of my best friend’s passing. The narc was ignoring my calls before I fell asleep and I had woken up in a full-blown panic attack. After so many futile attempts to call him, I was hysterically worried about him (go figure). I shot up, threw on some sweats, and power walked around my block a few times. When I got home I was able to function enough to watch Friends on TV and fall asleep again. I may have been talking to myself during the walk, which probably kept me safe from the approach of strangers.

Your thoughts are clearer and less emotional while walking in the elements. Taking a walk may not be covert. However, the ex narc does not know about my walks to this day. 

I felt compelled to share these tips after reading many articles that include helpful tips on how to recognize a narc, how to plan your escape and how to move on after you’ve left. While I could almost guarantee that each of those articles has saved at least one life, I find that the highest point of tension in these relationships (romantic or not) occurs between the moment the supply resolves to leave the situation and the moment they become free of their narc.

Most survivors of narc abuse are later diagnosed with mental illnesses like Stockholm Syndrome, PTSD/C-PTSD, Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety, or Panic Disorders. While I am no doctor and certified in no way at all to give medical advice, I know firsthand that remaining grounded, practicing meditation, taking walks, checking in on my mood, making it a point to interact with others, and generally befriending myself make a world of difference while trying your best to manage the symptoms of these illnesses. 

Notice that I shared the least costly tips. I understand that financial abuse is a common aspect of this sort of relationship. 

I also understand that some will find these tips to be too simple and obvious to be helpful. For those of you who feel that way, I am truly happy for you. It simply means that such covert actions may not be necessary for you to survive planning your escape, which is a wonderful thing to be grateful for. Just know that this list is here if you should ever need a mental escape while planning your physical one.

💞💞The sunrise isn’t heard. Yet, it brightens the entire world. 💞💞

Thank you so much for reading. I hope that my experiences can help someone’s day go at least a teenie bit more smoothly.